How many times have you felt afraid of doing something and then had a coach or a friend say:

“Oh, you’ll be fine! Just do it!” Did it make you feel braver? Or maybe not seen or heard?

I have been that coach. I have lost count of how many clients I have coaxed and encouraged to do something that scares them with their horse, trying to help them overcome fear. I cringe now to think about it….

But you see – it was easy for me to say that. I didn’t feel scared around horses. I was pretty sure I could handle anything they threw my way. I didn’t realize I wasn’t acknowledging my clients’ feelings. I thought I was supporting their dreams!

And then…. I met Fabuloso – the gorgeous grey horse that occupies my heart presently.

He came into my life about 2 years ago: an emotionally-wrecked-time-bomb that, thank to some kind people that could see through the emotions, narrowly escaped euthanasia for being so dangerous and unpredictable.

By the time I met Fabuloso, he had already had a couple of years to reset, re-regulate and start trusting again. I was told he was “sharp”, but that he was being ridden without too much trouble.

I was so excited to have the opportunity to share time and learn from such a beautiful, talented and, yes, challenging horse! (What is it about us wanting to add more challenges to our life! What’s wrong with “an easy” horse!).

And then reality hit home!

This horse was still scared….. furthermore, he scared me! He felt so volatile and “ready to explode”. For the first time in many, many years I felt fear of a horse.

Trying to extrapolate what I teach my clients about horses, and applying it to myself, I realized that my fear was because “I didn’t know if I could handle what would come next”. Heck, sometimes (most times!) I wasn’t sure WHAT was going to come next!

So, I started to apply what I use to help horses, to myself, as well as Fabuloso. I took it right back to the first step of the beginning… from walking up to him, to putting the headcollar on, to grooming and tacking up. After that, It took several weeks of breaking down the process of getting on into tiny steps and only moving on when I felt we were both ready.

Once I was in the saddle, and he felt calm, came our first (yes, only one) step – and then off I got! I was constantly present, fully aware, monitoring his breathing, and mine. Only going as far as we were both ready.

Fast forward to today, two years later, and Fabuloso and I are out on trails rides alone or in company, in the front or the back, walk, trot or canter. I feel so accomplished and elated. And proud of us both!

Some would ask: what’s the big deal? You are a professional rider – what you are doing is so basic!

My answer: it is not about what I am “doing”, but about what Fabuloso and I have BECOME in the process.

It has been so, so good for me to feel fear of horses again. It has made me a better, more compassionate and empathetic coach. I have felt in my own bones that there was NOTHING anybody could have said in those moments of fear that would have convinced me that I should “just do it” and that I’d be OK. It has taught me that FEAR can be our friend and that we can have conversations with it.

And herein lies the great lessons that this fabulous (pardon the pun) horse has brought for me:

• It is OK to feel scared. Fear is there to keep us safe.
• It is also important to acknowledge our fear and the fear of those around us.
• A good way to deal with fear is to break the fearful task into the tiniest steps and then taking just the steps we feel ready to take will
• Holding space for ourselves (or others) as we take that tiny step, and taking the time to realize and truly acknowledge we are safe in that tiny step, is what will bring progress
• If we try, but need to react in fear, that means the step wasn’t small enough. Go back to where you feel safe and take a smaller step.

Now a days, the first thing I share when teaching about horses is this:

All a horse wants is to feel safe…. and there are only two things that make him feel unsafe:

1. They don’t know what is going to happen next.
2. The DO know what is going to happen next and they don’t like it.

I tell my students that our job is to become very good in making sure that “the next thing that happens” is a good thing! How about we do that for ourselves?!

In a small nutshell, that is how Fabuloso and I overcame our fears and are now out and about have the time of our life.

And yes, sometimes he gets anxious – but I can feel it coming, so I handle it BEFORE he feels the need to react.

Maybe we could treat ourselves the same way when we are in FEAR? Instead of letting FEAR rule our life, could be possibly break it down in the tiniest of tiniest steps and just take that one until we feel ready for the next one?

I will never again tell a scared person to “just do it anyway – you’ll be fine”! Now I say, “Thank your fear for keeping you safe, and when you are ready, just tell your fear you don’t need it anymore”.

And you know what… it works just the same for horses!

I hope we meet in the Stand Up for your Horses group one day and we can exchange stories on how we overcame our fears.

In the meantime, love from Fabuloso and I!

The Southern Grey Mare

For more guidance on your path to horse gaurdianship, be sure to check out our tutorials in the STAND UP FOR YOUR HORSE Membership and join our community for ongoing tips and support. You’re not alone in this—every seasoned horse guardian was once right where you are now, and with each new step, you’ll grow in confidence and connection with your horse.